A Story About An Almost Horrible Arranged Marriage

No, my husband didn't shave his mustache to take part in a dance competition as my partner. But my name is Tani for sure--short for Tanisha.

He and my granddad met in a public bus. Yeah, their story is much more interesting than our love story.

My granddad was awfully tired when he boarded that bus where he first met my to be beau that day. You have to hear my Granddad narrate this story. Anyways, the first thing he tried to locate was Senior Citizen's seat. He narrates it so beautifully, "Chhori, I literally cried when I saw those two old women occupying the seat."

"My heart was broken. I was tired. I was breathless and all the seats were occupied. And when I decided to finally give up and to accept my fate, a fine gentleman offered me his seat."

My granddad was quite impressed with his demeanor to the extent that he proposed him on my behalf. I was so angry at him when he came home with the supposed good news. I lashed out at him, "You don't even have a photo of him, Buwa."

"Will a photo help? You are going to marry a stranger to begin with. What good a photo will do?" He laughed with his fake teeth while he pulled those sarcasm filled rhetorical questions.

"Buwa, I hate you," I lost my temper there.

"I know, child." He, then, burst into a horrible-villain-like-hysterical laughter.

Apparently, they found themselves time to engage in a serious series of conversations that ended up in my Granddad proposing him. When my granddad asked what he does for a living, he apparently offered, "I work in Australia. I have come to Nepal because my parents want me to get married," as an answer. Two most beautiful sentences parents of girls in Nepal want to hear. Who becomes that frank in first conversation--I have come to Nepal because my parents want me to get married blah blah? I was furious at him without even knowing him.

When he came to my house with his parents, you should have seen him then, he didn't even raise his head to have a look at me. I mean I was the girl in the room and he was the one who was feeling uncomfortable. I grind my teeth in disbelief because he was silent throughout the conversation and his parents had to speak for him. I patiently waited, while I continued grinding my teeth in fury, for the right moment--the same let-the-boy-and-girl-introduce-themselves-chhori-show-him-your-room moment.

"What do you do for living?" I asked him as I closed the door of my room behind him.

"I work in Australia," he quickly replied as if he had said it a thousand times. Meanwhile, he scanned my room with a new found confidence as if it was another man that I saw downstairs.

"I am not as naive as my grandfather. I am not going to buy that working in Australia thing. You might be washing dishes there for chrissake."

"Are you Christian?"

"No, I just picked that up from Hollywood movies," I replied.

"Well, I write scripts for movies," he finally set himself on my studying chair.

"Have I watched any of them?"

"Have you watched 'Phony Confessor: An Origin Story'?"

"God, I cried throughout that movie--," I paused to reconsider my review, "--no, you didn't write that."

"I sure did."

"No."

"Yes."

"I want to marry you."

"I usually get that from girls when I say I work in Australia. I do not even have to tell them that I write movies. You are different."

"Don't stereotype us girls. We are as independent as you men are."

"Okay, we have a feminist in this room here."

"I am not feminist. I am an 'equalist'," I paused to look if he understood what 'equalist' meant.

"What is an equalist?" Well, he didn't understand, did he?

"I don't want to beg for two reserved seats in a bus; I want to deserve them. I am ready to stand throughout the journey, if it takes that."

"Wow, people have to write thesis on feminists and you defined, what that is--,"

"Equalist," I helped.

"--equalist in two sentences."

"Thank you," obviously I was flattered.

"Do you want to marry me?"

"No, of course not. I do not even know you."

"I work in Australia, remember?" We both laughed at his joke. He is funny, Arahan, and he even likes 'Rab Ne Banaa Di Jodi' and 'Falguni Pathak' in one sentence.

"Okay, let's be serious. Let's do something."

"What?"

"We both will confess our dirtiest secret to each other and the person whose secret is dirtier wins and he or SHE will get to decide whether or not this wedding is going to happen."

Of course I said no the moment that awfully silly idea escaped his mouth.

"I am not a virgin," I said. Yes, the bastard is a smooth talker and he convinced me to indulge in that still awfully silly idea of his.

"You are not? So what? I too am not a virgin."

"You are not? I thought I will get to marry a pure soul," I joked.

"Look, who is saying that," he sarcastically remarked.

"I have a huge porn collection inside my computer. I hide it inside the folder named 'Windows Portable Devices' inside 'Program Files'," it was my turn and yes I was a porn freak, "trust me nobody goes there," I added.

"God. Seriously?"

"Yes," I replied. "Now your turn," I was not going to lose the game.

"My hostel warden caught when me I was touching myself. I was not even covering myself with a bed sheet."

"Gross."

"I know. He humiliated me in the common hall afterwards where all the boys and girls met to have dinner and told them how I was playing with my device when I should have been preparing for ongoing exams."

 "God. I already feel sorry for you," I literally was sorry. That is so humiliating, 'Getting caught masturbating'. God, spare even my enemies from such humiliation.

"Don't be," he said in a melodramatically fake tone. "I win," I guess.

"Yes. I cannot even imagine being in your position," I said. He won. I am a very fair person. I might have been King Solomon in my past life.

Besides I liked him very much--immensely indeed.

'So what? You two got married, didn't you?' you might say. Well, has it ever happened to you or your friends--that awkward moment when your fiance posts your engagement photos on facebook and your ex likes those photos and that ex is the same person who you lost your virginity to and he is best of friends with your to-be-husband? Has it? Read that again.

I lost my virginity to his best friend.

The moment the notification popped up I rushed to ask him who the guy was and he just plainly replied, "He is my best friend," without even considering how much the reply was going to hurt me. I was in turmoil. A big dilemma had come forth to knock my door.

I didn't eat for two days. My eyes were swollen and dark circles had started to appear. I was so worried about what I was going to do. He deserved honesty and I did not want to begin my marital life on a foundation of a big hidden truth. Hidden truth is worse than an open lie.

When my parents asked what was wrong with me, I would tell them that I was worried about having to part with them after marriage. Well, it was not a lie. I was worried about that too but how was I going to tell Arahan that I lost my virginity to his best-friend.

I called him, it had been three days. He asked me what was wrong. I didn't tell him on the phone. You cannot reveal major things in life on the phone, take that as an advice. We met in New Road. He joked about how boys and girls were not supposed to meet before the wedding day, cliched? He was more excited about the wedding than I was. I too wanted to be equally excited but I had to sleep with his best friend of all the people on this planet.

"Arahan?" I donned my puppy like sulky eyes to look cute and helpless. What? I was going to lose the person I love the most in the world.

"Yes."

"Who is Niyesh?"

"My best friend, like I said before."

"Well, umm..." I couldn't use my tongue to utter any further. I wanted to but I couldn't. I was so afraid that he would call off our marriage. I didn't want to lose him. I love him for chrissake.

"I know. Of all the people on this planet?" He burst into that same villain-like-awful-hysterical laughter. I knew, then, why my Granddad fell for him.

"What?" I couldn't grasp the humor in that.

"Of all the people on this planet," he laughed like a psycho, "I knew it the day I came to visit you. I used the details that your Grandfather gave me to find you on facebook and when I did..."

"You knew it from the beginning."

"Yes."

"Aren't you angry with me?"

"Will that help you calm down?"

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"Come on, it was six years ago. I know I have to endure this awful coincidence but Niyesh bought me this typewriter a week ago--," he took his phone out to show me the pictures, "--as a gesture of a heartfelt apology."

"What?" I was awestruck, surprised, baffled, mind-boggled and whatever adjectives you can find to explain exclamation.

"Bastard didn't even know that I had fallen for you already and that he didn't have to apologize for something as puny as that coincidence. I love you both. Yes we are part of this horrible prank that God played on us but I know...Should I continue? I hope you got the gist."

"No continue. Call me selfish but I love the sound when you say that you love me," I comfortably replied.

"You selfish foolish girl," he was not angry at all.

"Bastard was going to give me a cheap watch for a wedding gift. This is a vintage typewriter," I didn't like it how happy he was winning that typewriter. I mean I didn't even eat for two straight days and he was there advertising the vintage typewriter he received as a gift from this awfully horrible experience I endured. He almost sounded that he was glad that I slept with his best friend, Bastard. He and his bloody typewriter. I almost died hungry. It took me another week to get rid of those dark circles. Imagine looking black eyed in all your wedding photos. Even photoshop gave up editing those dark circles.

Well, I love him very much--intensely indeed.

This Sunday is our sixth anniversary.

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