Aastha: An Extraordinary Faith

"She might receive a love proposal more frequently than I would receive a candy crush request."

We met through a bike accident; nothing major. My bike was parked at a corner in front of various shops. She came with her Scooty to park beside my bike. Her Scooty hit my bike's back light and the back light broke down. She was holding the back light and trying to hook it back at it original place so that I would not notice. Just then I walked in. I saw her doing something with my bike. I politely asked what she was doing. As she noticed I was talking to her, she fumbled with the back light, left it there hanging and answered me, 'Kei…kei..kei haina’. I noticed the broken light and I was instantly furious. I tried to frame an appropriate sentence but each sentence ended with a swearing so I immediately reframed it. I was like, "What the f...how the h..Did you not see my bike parked here?"

I could see her feeling guilty and afraid at the same time. She held her head down. I regained my calmness. I felt guilty for shouting at her. I looked at her face. Her sad face was on but still I could not fail to notice how beautiful she looked. I shouted at a beautiful girl, my guilt multiplied. I politely said, "I am sorry. I should not have shouted like that. You did not do it intentionally. It's okay." She looked a little relieved by my sentence. She answered, "No, it is my fault. You need not apologize. I tried to squeeze my Scooty in here. I am sorry. Please tell how much would it cost, I shall reimburse you." It was just a back light and on top of that, broken by a beautiful girl. I said, "Hey, it is okay. It is just a back light. No need of money. It would be changed almost for free." 

Had it been a boy, I would have made him pay double the amount but it was a beautiful girl. My male ego denied. She took out couple of hundred notes from her purse and tried to hand it to me. She said, "Please take it. I insist." I thought of an idea instantly. I said, "I cannot take that money from you. But if you wished to pay me back that bad, you can buy me a cup of coffee and then we shall be even." She agreed and we walked to the nearest coffee shop. It was just few foot steps away. We had a very casual conversation in the beginning. I asked her name, where she studied and other petty things. She also asked what I did and other general questions. The funny thing was that, though we were both Nepali and in Nepal, we have had most of our conversation in English. I always liked to flaunt my English as I was very good speaker. It was one of the very few things I was good at. And she was very fluent in her English too. So, it was not like I was blabbering in English and she was replying in Nepali. In fact she had a wonderful sense of humor. During our brief meeting only I used several one-liners and sarcastic cum humorous remarks. (Of course to impress her) She acknowledged the one-liners and gave equally humorous replies.

I was instantly impressed by her wittiness. We nearly spent half an hour over the coffee and then we departed. I wanted to ask for her number or something to be in touch with her but could not. Guess I was too sophisticated for my own good. I thought of noting down her Scooty number plate so that it could be of any help. And I was hit by the series of reality. I was no MI6 or FBI agent to find a person through number plate. It would be of no use. I opened my Facebook and typed her name in the search box. I had enough information of her to find her in Facebook like her college name, her course etc but I just prayed that her name in Facebook would not be 'Bauko kanxi xori’  or may be adulterated to an unimaginable form. Like swikriti would be 'swee- kree- tey'. After going through various Facebook profiles of random strangers, I found her profile. I was jubilant as if I solved some unsolvable crime mystery. I patted myself well done and sent her a friend request with a message, "Found the culprit!"

I stalked her profile. I noticed that she is the only girl I met who actually looked more beautiful in real life than her Facebook profile. I was drooling over her picture as I realized something. All my excitement vanished at once. Her picture had more likes than the total number of friends in my friends list. I cursed myself for fancying the idea of wooing her. She would get love proposal more frequently than I would receive a candy crush request, I thought. I was at my home when I noticed a notification saying that she has accepted my friend request. She had seen my message "Found the culprit!" and replied "Guilty as charged, your honor" I, again, admired her sense of humor. We started chatting. Now she was in my zone. I have always had my ways with the words. I could impress almost anybody with my chatting skills. And I called it 'my zone'.

Though we chatted several hours that day, it was almost impossible for me to start the conversation the very next day. Hello/Hi would have been too cliche and any other thing would make me look desperate. I was mentally framing the best message to send her and I received her message, "Knock knock" I felt happy and relieved and replied, "Right there, miss. Hands up" From that day onward, after good-byes, I would ask a question to which she had to reply the other day and I would be saved from the trouble of starting the conversation. We started chatting almost every awaken hour of the day. It was not vanilla chatting like how are you? What did you eat for lunch? Or what do you like/dislike? Etecetera etecetera. We were more of pushing each other's limit (not in a dirty way, I meant mentally), criticizing each other humorously, debating over issues. 

We had talked for over a week then. I wanted to ask her for a date and I was thinking for a reason to do so. I asked her, "Hey, last time you paid for the coffee. I owe you a cup of coffee. And you know I am Lannister. I always pay my debts. So, when will I get the chance to clear my debt?" I waited for her reply in anticipation. She replied, "Woah! You are a Lannister. Did not know you were that rich. Beside who would say no to a treat by a Lannister. Tomorrow where we first met at 2, what say?" I always admired her wittiness. I replied, "I am like the abandoned Lannister; only principles, no wealth. You need not worry. I shall be 'treating' you real nice. And 2 is fine by me."

We met at 2. Unlike previous meeting, she looked well worked out with her appearances. Her cloth looked new and well fit. I was mesmerized by her look but I was conscious enough to frame a sentence, "Wow! You look beautiful. I was confused but this, in fact, is a date then." I chuckled and she too smiled. She answered with a smile, "You wish, mister. This is just 'you treating me real nice' over a cup of coffee" We had agreed upon a cup of coffee but ended up being cups of coffee and snacks. We talked for over three hour. We decided of visiting somewhere before goodbye. But we both had our own vehicle. That was the loneliest ride of my life. Probably she felt it too. We visited that place and finally bided goodbye.

We met regularly after that. She did not bring her Scooty saying her Scooty had flat tire or no petrol. I knew the real reason. After our meeting, I used to drop her near her house and we would depart. Once my bike had flat fire and I told her. She told me that she would pick me up. I sat behind her Scooty and I maintained the distance as I did not want her to think I am a pervert. I was at the farthest corner. The way I was sitting, two more people like me could have easily sat between me and her. She smiled at my situation as I could see her face in the mirror.

When we used to roam in my bike, she would keep her hands in my shoulders, put her head side-wise on my back but she is a girl. She is allowed to do so. I could not think of doing it. She slowed the Scooty and stopped it at a corner. She opened her helmet and gave it to me. She told me, "You drive" I took the helmet and complied. She sat behind me and wrapped her hands across my stomach. She placed her head on my back and I just smiled. I knew she was subtly saying 'I could have sat closer.' I drove the scooter real slow. People riding a bicycle could have overtaken me but in my defense, I was clumsy at driving scooter and more than that I wanted the journey to last forever.

I was seen roaming around the city with her by various friends. On being questioned who she is, I answered with infamous, 'Tero bhaju ho sale” Nothing spreads faster than a rumor. Within a few months, most of friends knew about my tryst with this secret girl. But the thing was, she was two years younger than me and we did not have any common set of friends. So, I was assured the rumor would die before reaching her ears. 

Beside chatting and dating her, I used to spend my time reading books precisely novels. But even that time was clouded by her thoughts. I drew doodles with our name initials all over the book. Yes, I had outgrown the initial 'like phase'. Now I was in love with her. She was the only thing I ever loved by free will except may be Manchester United. Well, Manchester United was and will be my first love. The thing is, we both shared the hobby of reading novels. We used to share novels with each other. Before sharing mine piece, I used to make sure that the doodles I drew were properly erased. 

Then the inevitable happened. She called me and told me, "Come to our regular place. I want to meet urgently." I inquired what the matter was but she shrugged me off saying, "Come and we shall discuss it there." I did not like the way that sounded. I drove to our meeting place with different thoughts in my mind. She had already reached the place. A chill ran down through my spine. I felt it was something bad. I sensed it. She had a serious demeanor all over her face. She signaled me to come and sit. I was never a believer but for some odd reason I was praying to the God.

Finally she spoke, “What is this? I am hearing several rumors in the market?" She called me with such urgency to discuss about market rumors, I thought. I had no clue what she was talking about. 

I asked, "Rumors, what rumors?" 

She retorted, "That you love me." I looked at her face to trace hint of smile. But to my dismay, there were none. 

She still looked serious. I thought of possible friends who could rat me out; who could tell her about my love for her. I could not say this one for sure. All of them could, I thought.

"Ha..ha..It is not like that. It is what it is. Just a rumor."

I answered with a fake laughter. "So you don't love me naah. I can be sure of that?"

She counter-questioned. "I did not say that", I said looking at her eyes.

"So you do love me then." She was not in the mood to leave me alone. I did not know how to answer that. I was strangled by my own answer. Damn these intelligent girls, I thought. But I had to answer.

"Why does it have to be about love? It is just rumors." I said it so convincingly that I, myself, almost believed what I just said.

She said, "Okay then. Glad to know especially when I love someone."

The gradient of my facial color gradually changed from pale white and red to black and blue. If there was some sort of competition between me and chameleon for change in face color, I was sure to win. I was at the verge of breaking down. I knew I could cry any moment. I was consoling myself, "Be cool, she loves somebody. It is fine. You will find someone else." But none of it was helping. She looked at me. My eyes were filled with tears just waiting to find their way down. My face was still black and blue by her words. My senses were not functioning properly.

"But the guy does not even know that I love him. And apparently, he does not want to admit that he loves me." She smiled as she finished saying the sentence. Tears started flowing down through my cheek. I was happy to hear her words but sad at the way she confronted me. I had to man up.

I spoke gathering some courage, "There is nothing to not admit. I love you Miss Aastha Poudel” She had a huge smile on her face as she heard that.

She spoke, "Naah, you are just saying because I said it. Convince me that you love me!"

"Whoa! That is new" I said surprisingly.

"New? My my, we got a stud here. How many girls have you proposed till now, mister?" She asked wryly.

"Technically, you proposed me now. So let me check the score. Umm none" I answered.

"I am not hearing anything. Convince me else forget it!" She said in a playful manner.

"I love you because you are smart, witty, intelligent, and beautiful. You are everything I ever wished for." I answered sincerely. "You mean if you found a girl who is smarter, wittier, more intelligent and more beautiful than me then you are going to leave me for her? I guess you fall for her at first sight" She was in no mood to stop. I knew I had to be more convincing.

I spoke, "No. No matter how smart, witty, intelligent or beautiful the next girl will be, I can never love her. You know why? Because she would not be you. Nobody can make me feel the way you do. There cannot be next you. Even if by some miracle there would be someone just like you, I would still love you and that would be the beginning of everything. Love is not just a word that I would say to every passing stranger. I know the difference between like and love and out of all the things in the world I cannot be sure of, I know one thing for a fact that I Love you."

She looked satisfied by my answer. "Now you tell me why do you love me?" I demanded answer from her end. "I love you for who you are and for all the things you are not." She answered equally convincingly. I tried to remember how she strangled me.

I asked, "What if there is another person like me?"

"Just like you said, there can never be another you. And I love only you. That is the only feeling where my insecurity beds to rest and the only thing I can be sure of more than my existence." She answered with wet eyes.

I could not have loved her more than I did just right then. But I did not want to get all emotional. Extra cheese was something what we both hated. I spoke with fake anger, "Then how could you say that I could fall in love at sight? Love at first sight is a myth. It is like buying a dress just by liking its design. You can never be sure if it fits or not. For all I know, it can be way small or way big. There can only one sized dress which fits us perfectly not an inch bigger or smaller. And that is love. It is just a onetime thing. You can only know you love someone when you are in love. Not by looking or at sight."

"But what if we get another design dress of same size?" She laughed as she asked it.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE GIRL, that was a metaphor. Leave the dress alone." I said with a fake disgust as we got up to walk out of that place with a hysterical laugh.

"By the way who told you that I love you?" I inquired. "Naah, no one. I just came across one of your artistic doodle." She chuckled as she said that.

"When are we going to marry by the way?" She once asked. It was the first time we ever discussed about future.

"Marry? And you?" I mocked her.

She acted as if she is angry and said, "Yeah, are you planning on marrying someone else?"

"No. But you, you look kinda ugly these days" I gloated as I said that.

"Have you ever watched yourself in the mirror?" She asked briskly.

"Yeah, I see myself like some kind of Greek God"

"Watch it properly. You look less like a Greek God and more like a giant human torpedo" She mocked back.

"At least I got a 'kill-her' look" I grinned.

"And the only 'her' that is ever going to die for that look is me because, oh well, because I am the only one stupid enough to fall for it." She laughed.

"Well, can't disagree with the stupid part." I too laughed along with her.

We were in a relationship for a year then. Not the kind where people would discuss the name of their future children and the paint color of their future houses, we more liked to live in the moment. We used to discuss about stars, galaxy, universe, big bang and cosmos. We were both big fan of Stephen Hawking and talked about supernova as stardust. That was the bubble we lived in and romance we shared.

We used to read out novels in the park for each other. There is no more pleasure than hearing a story in the voice you love the most.  We never discussed about the future. She wanted to but I never agreed. I convinced her that it would never turn out the way we plan it to be. No, I did not have commitment issue. In fact, marrying her was the only thing I was certain about my life. It is just that every Mr. 'X' I met who planned on marrying Miss 'Y', have 'XY' as children inevitably ended up marrying Miss. 'Z'. We used to share career goals and plans but not the unrealistic dreams. 

We were planning on meeting at a place at 4 in the afternoon. I had already reached the place when she arrived. She sat beside me and placed her hands in mine. She politely asked, "How serious are you regarding our relationship?" I was angry hearing her question. I answered with disgust, "Is that even a question?" She spoke further, "My father has decided to send me abroad for further studies. I tried to argue but he was quite adamant. I can definitely flunk the test but I think abroad study is for my own benefit only." She paused and I waited for her to speak up. She continued, "Since I cannot say no to his decision, I want you to try abroad with me. I think that long distance never works out. And if you ever leave me, I cannot think what I would do. More than that, I cannot spend a day without seeing you. You have become my addiction." This time she waited for me to speak. If she had not asked then also I would have tried for the country she chose to go. "Okay. I will. But why do I get to be the one to leave you?" I inquired with a faint smile. "Because I never would" She smiled back as she answered.

We both went to a consultancy. Since I was academically senior to her, I had to go for different course than her, and according to the consultancy woman, only 8-10 out of entire Nepal would be selected for the course. I could tell that the possibility of selection was like none as the consultancy treated me less like a customer and more like an inconvenient piece of furniture in their store. I asked, "What if I try for the same course as hers?" She answered, "Then you would have to explain them why you are stupid enough to waste your time, money and energy studying a course that you have already studied." I answered back, "I guess I have to search for more convincing reason than I am stupidly in love with her"

The consultancy woman gave a confused look as we walked out of there. We started taking two different courses; one for scholarship and another for English. We both needed to prepare our passport. I belonged to the place where I resided but she originally belonged to some other place of Nepal. She had prepared her citizenship from the same place and now she needed to go to that place for some approval to prepare passport. It was festive season. One of the largest festivals of Nepal had just ended and another was near. She had decided to leave the day before ‘Bhai tika’ (Prayer for long life of brother) i.e. on OX worshiping day to be able to put tika to a Brother in her native place.

It was early morning when she messaged, "I am leaving. It is your day, enjoy."

I smiled and texted her back, "Just like a few days before, it was yours."

I was waiting for her reply. I was sure she would. She replied, "It was yesterday, idiot. I am the goddess. Haha”

I laughed and texted her, "Is that a pun? Because I found it no were close to being funny."

She replied, "If only you understood my importance, if only."

I smiled and kept my mobile aside to sleep. I was woken up by a call from one of her sister who knew about us. It was to inform me that the bus she was travelling had an accident just few kilometers outside the valley.

I was sleepy when I had picked up the call but after hearing the accident, all my sleepiness vanished. I disconnected her call and dialed her number. It was not reachable. I turned on the TV. It was just showing the flash news. I had no option to confirm that she was okay. I tried her number over and over again. I was being impatient. I decided to go to her house and find out what her parents knew. I knew I could not drive. My legs were shaking. I took a bus to her house. I was trying to call her throughout the period. I knocked the door and her mother opened it. I did not waste any time in greeting and said, "Aunty, ma Aastha ko sathi, kei taha paunu vayo usko bare ma?" She could tell from my face what I was talking about. She also did not ask what kind of friend and told me, "Her phone is not reachable. I don’t know anything else." Her mental state was no different than mine. I stayed there for a while but there was awkward silence. We both were dialing her number and did not want to talk about anything else.

I took a leave from her house. I did not what to do. I embarked the bus for my house. I saw a temple on the way. I am an atheist and never actually visit any temple but I had no other option. I went to the temple. It had already been more than 3 hours to the accident. Still there had been no update. I had heard several people were dead. I sat on the staircase near to the main gate. I folded my hands and thought, "Please God, please, please” Tears started rolling from my eyes. I can't remember for how long I cried or how loud I cried. It was only when a policeman came and touched me in my head and asked, "Are you okay, mate?" I regained my consciousness.

I said nothing to him and decided to take a leave from there. I started walking down the road. I felt dizzy. I just sat on the side of the road. I stopped a taxi and went to my home. My mother saw me getting down from the taxi. I looked like someone who was just beaten up to death. I did not care to pay for the taxi. I went inside and sat on the couch. I was continuously dialing her number. I was hoping her to pick it up. I hoped that her phone had broken down and she was okay. I was drinking water when her sister called. She told me that the girl I loved has been identified dead.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed. I had passed out for a day. I thought it was all a bad dream. I asked for my phone. My mother tried to deny but I asked again with stern voice, "Give me my phone" She gave it and I dialed her number. It was still unreachable. I thought she might have switched off. I dialed it again, it was same result. My heart feared but I did not want to accept it. I called her sister in a hope that she would tell me there has been a mistake. But there was not any mistake. She was 'dead' dead.

I did not know what to do. I cried, I yelled. My mom and dad tried to console me but I was in no mood to listen. I was freaking other patients of the hospital but I did not care. I was given something to make me unconscious and to calm me down. The doctor concluded that I am depressed with suicidal anxiety. But he was wrong. I was not depressed; I just had lost the reason to live.

Nearly one and half month after her death, her mother visited me. I was on heavy pills. I used to sleep most of the time. I loved to live fake dreams than the cruel reality; that was the story of my life. I saw her mother. She needed no introduction. She sat near me, ran her fingers through my hair and said, "Chora, uu tah gayi aba timile afno mummy baba ko lagi bachnu parcha” Chora, the term pierced my heart like a needle. Had she been alive, she would have jumped with joy hearing her mother call me son but look at the irony of life. Tears started rolling down my eyes. I never said anything during entire conversation. She consoled me saying different good things about her daughter.

Nearly 3 months after her death, I had no more suicidal thoughts. I cannot tell whether it was the love for my parents, the psychiatrist's suggestion working or the medicine, I wanted to live for my parents. I thought of getting rid of psychiatrist. I was depressed not stupid. I told him the exact things he wanted to hear. He concluded that I don't need his help anymore. He suggested me that leaving this place would help me move on. My parents fulfilled his desire like a command.

Even today, I dial her number several times in a day. I know the call will never be answered but it is just the leap of faith I like to cling on to. I love to leave messages in her Viber account. I don't expect any reply. I just message her things she would love to know. Also, I have compiled the audio message she had sent me in Viber and created a mp3 file. I listen to it every day before I go to sleep. Believe me, that is the best time of my day. I smile every time I listen to it. I visit parks and read novel out loud. I just imagine she is somewhere out there listening to my voice. This is all insane, I know it. My friends keep telling me that I should move on. I just smile as she was my beginning and the end. There is no on and after.

I know time would erase everything. I might also forget how she looked like but I can never forget how she made me feel. She loved me; in every way a person can be loved. I shall have my regrets that she could never know how much I loved her. I always thought showing love was cheesy and mocked her. Now I would give almost everything to hold her hands one last time; to see her once again in breathing state even for the slightest of second; to let her know how much I love her and what she means to me and to tell her that I shall love her every moment of my life till my dying breath. I know it sounds copy paste dialogue of every other sad novel but when endurance of pain is the only option you have got, you tend to love supervening impossibility more than the reality you have been living in. 10 months, 15 days and 22 hours has already passed but there is not a second in that time frame when she has not been missed and her absence has not been felt. When every beat of my heart reminds me of her absence, only I know how I am surviving; only I know how I am hiding. I wished to write more but I am not in the state to type any further. Someday I hope I can write well enough to give life to the dreams we could never live.

Thank you for reading.

In the memories of my undying love.

Story of a guy and the Faith he loved.

Submitted By

Agyat Ma

Written By
A humble Anonymous[A good friend of Mine]
In case you cannot cage your curiosity about the writer e-mail me at: 
aayushg2012@gmail.com